Let me write something to you and anyone else who wants to read it.
I have wanted to die for a very long time. I’ve tried to kill myself but ice failed and that’s why I need help to die. I am not deciding to die on a whim.
My cowardice and failure to kill myself has cost me so much in terms of terrible unbearable pain. My decision to die is an attempt to control what I suffer and end what I can’t endure. You must recognise that what I’m trying to escape is extremely severe not just in the sense of what I can’t endure but also in the severity of the blatant cruelty I cannot stand.
I have chosen to end my suffering and end the cruelty I cannot bear. I am willing to die to achieve this because it’s worth it. I know that you’d want this for yourself if you have suffered like I suffer.
I have been forced to be alone to protect myself from more cruelty but this heavy price doesn’t stop the cruelty. If you were as alone as I am I think you’d want to die but I am not complaining about it. I spent so much time alone. Birthdays. Christmas. New Years Eve. For a few years and more. I try to minimise any contact with the human race as much as I can.
But I can’t stop the cruelty and I can’t stop being hurt again and again and again. I have suffered too much and this was true a very long time ago but the cruelty of the human race has no limit. Making me want to die wasn’t enough. They have to keep on making me want to die.
Can you imagine what this feels like? I have already suffered too much. I have already been a victim of too much cruelty. That’s why I choose to die. It’s why I’ve wished I was dead on almost every single day in the last decade and beyond. Imagine how terrible that feels?
But the cruelty of the human race is unlimited. The criminalisation of assisted suicide is part of this cruelty and I admit I hate the human race for all their cruelty. This hatred is yet another reason to die because I cannot live with this hatred or the subjects of my hatred.
The cruelty innate to the human race is unlimited and they don’t have a shred of mercy. The continued criminalisation of assisted suicide is part of this mercilessness. The government has made a decision which forces me to suffer more than I can endure. But I believe that forcing me to live and endure what I would gladly die to no longer endure has more in common with real crimes than assisted suicide does.
I am choosing to end my pain. I am choosing to cease the cruelty the human race do to me. I have made this decision on thousands of days.
There is no other way to achieve my objective except suicide. I have had treatment and currently take medication. This hasn’t changed the fact that I need to die.
I have worked and been suicidal. I have fallen in love and been suicidal. I have laughed and made people laugh while I’ve been suicidal. If you’d met me when I worked at Mind you would have seen someone who is full of life but all the while I wanted to die. I have done what I can to make a difference while being suicidal but even doing this didn’t change the fact that I need to die.
Unfortunately there are people who make decisions about me and my life who can’t be trusted to do what’s right. This covers a wide gamut of people who influence my life and suicidal feelings but I’m speaking here about the government who refuse to legalise assisted suicide.
The decision to die is a deeply personal decision and while I believe there should be a modicum of protection against regrettable decisions the overwhelming onus must be mercy. It is also absolutely clear to me that the true crimes are what have happened to me after I’ve been forced to live, not assisted suicide.
I did not choose to experience more cruelty and suffering. I chose to end it but the people who control my life would rather see me suffer and thus do even more cruelty to me. Can you imagine what it feels like to know that so many people want you to suffer? I should be frightened but all I have is rage.
If that wasn’t enough, I’ve come to realise that the human race are evil. I should be weeping and wailing with the words, “how can you do this to me!”, but I know it’s done because the human race are evil. Too evil to be able to care.
I choose to die to end my suffering. I choose to die to end the cruelty the human race readily, willingly and so very ably do to someone like me. I choose to die so I do not endure what I cannot endure. But in this civilisation none of these things matter as long as I live. Because evil prevails and no one understands what is the right response to my decision to die or the reasons I need to die.
Certainly mercy for me is utterly absent thus the government refuses to legalise assisted suicide. But it is mercy I have always needed. What I’ve gotten instead of mercy is evil and blatant cruelty.
I have chose to end the cruelty the human race are ready, willing and able to do to me because I can’t endure it. If only you knew how it feels to be me. But you don’t so you must trust me that it feels awful to be me and be alive. You must trust me that I need to die. It’s a natural and rational decision.
All I ask is that you help me die. And trust me that it’s right for me.