What would be the society engineers doctrine (if this supposed profession had any)?

Pursue perfect truth and become part of the path to find it? That sounds gay. Buddhist gay.

Pursue equality always because it’s a beautiful truth…too teenage girl.

Stand between the darkness and the light always…blatantly too Babylon 5.

Hmm… In an age where it’s already been done, or at least thought up, it’s easy to sound like a gay Buddhist, teenage girls or…yeah…I’ll go there…Babylon 5…well…that’s it…it’s already been said…but…nah…while they’re all deeply important they’re all products of invalidation, at least that’s what I’ve done to them. I’d say just listen to everyone well and you’ll find better truths…but then you I’d sound like a survivor qualitative researcher.

Ugh. Coming up with useless dogma is hard.

If mental health discrimination is bad then the Mental Health Act is bad

It is bad. It is a separate legal framework and it’s the only one other than the prison system which uses imprisonment. The criminal justice system is based on ideals of rigour through good jurisprudence like valuing evidence to provide objective answers and always protect the innocent from being punished incorrectly.

The medico-legal framework is built upon specious reasoning with prejudice at its heart. It has been criticised and its subjectivity demonstrated in the history of demedicalisation. It is entwined with a progress in rights culminating in the current antistigma movement which is now funded by the NHS.

There’s an important inequality which the movement’s organisation hasn’t attempted to address: the clear inequality of having a different set of laws, laws which also guarantees very few rights and takes away many. Essentially the inequality is the right of forced treatment but in practice is a significant depriving of liberties similar to the punishment used on even the worst criminals. Medical reasons aren’t enough to justify the use of force in or loss of liberty of psychiatric incarceration. Smokers rights are one area where things are worse and chemical restraint is another when used for minor incidents in psych wards which would promote less response in a prison.

People who aren’t mentally ill remain free till they’ve committed a serious crime. They’re well protected from inappropriate imprisonment and, unlike me, the cuntishness of cunts.

We should be equal and free.

Euthanasia: dogs and disability

The divide which is drawn towards mercy killing for animals and people which dictates the legality of the former but not the latter is bizarre to me. Why? Surely a person driven to feeling suicidal – the pit of despair and hopelessness – is orders of magnitude worse than what pain an animal feels. We have a wider set of sensory experiences and a higher cognitive framework to our lives compared to animals. This has a wide gamut but for some there are worse experiences. The disability factor – which can be very high for serious mental health problem – embedded in prognosis associated with mental health labels is a prediction of a worse life with fewer good experiences and significant distress. This is worse for a human than a dog because we’re different

In short, our ‘specialness’ which underpins the sanctity of life principle but it can also underpin the factors which make our pain so much worse than for animals. We have a higher set of experiences and profound suffering. We have greater needs than animals too but since this isn’t realised mean people are unhappy with their lived. Sometimes this is what’s overtly given as a reason where assisted suicide is legal for all. It doesn’t encompass the awfulness which drives conscious beings to suicide. Suicide is a product of too much pain (I have so much) which drives people like me to want to die.

Sadly, there are no solutions either and tens of thousands of people try to kill themselves every year. They’re trying to escape a shit life and “shit” in ways an animal couldn’t feel. This higher capability is a source for sanctity of life but it also explains the difference of the manifestations of pain. Humans can hurt in profound ways which animals can’t but the sanctity of life principles allow a way out from the pain…but not for people? Our difference from animals is the source of wonder and happiness but it can also be a terrible ordeal which is worse than for animals.

It is a higher but more obvious mercy killing if people truly understood and appreciated the nature of suicides by the disabled as understandable escape from a worse life which won’t get better. It is a rational response and the severity and nature of the pain is different and worse than the physical pain suffered by animals which have mercy killing.

Life is sacred but not a shit life. Forcing someone to suffer a shit life without hope is awful. No conscious being should suffer so but there isn’t the required social and structural change in systems required to change this tragic fact of life. It’s not the disabled alone who choose not to live a poor life. The selfishness is in the circumstances that drive the tragedy and the tragedy is anyone at all is driven to no longer want to live their life.

Own up to the failure and have the decency to at least offer the suicidal a good death instead of a shit one on top of all the other shit which caused a higher-than-an-animal being to want to die. Don’t prolong the torture.

Addiction: the undefended mental health problem

The leading mental health charities – Mind, Rethink and their ilk – do not defend the rights of addicts and they don’t campaign for better treatment either. Scope does nothing too. Worst of all is the dearth of work by Time to Change.

This is the evidence of the profound stigma of this particular mental health problem. Addicts are undefended and have no voice. Even the antistigma campaign is prejudiced against a condition which affects a lot of people. Even the high prevalence and high occurrence of poor quality of healthcare experiences aren’t enough to persuade the mental health campaigning organisations to do anything for addicts.

There’s no stigma like stigma from organisations which purport to fight mental health discrimination.

China white (a quasi-stream of consciousness experience with herbal incense and research chemicals) (medicating suicidal ideation personal experience)

This is a legal high I’m about to try. I’ve been smoking the “herbal incense Exodus Damnation all day in small amounts and it’s good but could be better. So, I’ve ordered myself ten different legal highs to try after the recommendation of Exodus Damnation. The 3G packet of green plant matter gives a relaxed, lifting and slightly trippy buzz from using sparing amounts smoked in typical joint fashion. Anyone trying legal highs should use small amounts to test the strength or potency. Build up and take more in steps. There’s no point wasting good drugs on having ” a whitey” (an old phrase meaning getting so sick you go pale and the buzz is too much).

With that caution in mind I’m going to try the China White. It has warnings about consuming it but I’m going to ignore those. Just like on tobacco products. It’s false advertising. I’ve been smoking for ages but I’m still not dead. I’d bring it up with Advertising Standards Agency but they’re all in it together. Tobacco doesn’t kill unless several tonnes of it is dropped onto you.

But I digress…I’m going to try a short line first to start. As I roll the £20 note I note there’s a lot of making cones and cylinders by hand in taking drugs and also a “the Queen says no to snorting drugs” campaign to make coke heads feel guilty every time they wrap a bank note seems like it could be possible. Clearly I’m already thinking a lot of rubbish before I try the China White.

First sniffings

The China White 1g was ordered on Thursday 4th of September and arrived a day later (today). I mention this because I think the active ingredient with certain brands will change, perhaps because the active psychotropic is made illegal or perhaps it’s product development.

The packaging opens easily as does the ubiquitous plastic zipper seal. Inside is a white powder with crumbles of crystals. It chops easily into powder using a credit card and reminds me of the experience with cocaine. Now to see what a line feels like.

Snorting it is a little painful. The pain recedes quickly though and I’m enjoying the familiarity i feel snorting powder again. I’ve chosen snorting because the active psychotropic should get into the blood and brain quicker. I’m not feeling anything yet though. I’m disappointed. Even after a few minutes I don’t feel different and there isn’t even a hint of a buzz. I turn on The Simpsons before I line up another attempt.

More

Another fatter line gives a little buzz and I’m feeling subtle changes. I’m not sure if they’re my imagination. I’m so wondering if the effect is subtle. What I’m hoping is it isn’t and I’m going to feel something worthwhile soon.

I’m really in need of a transcendental mental experience but so far China White has let me down. My nose feels numb but my mind isn’t. Neither am I thinking different or better or more interestingly. The Simpsons drones on in the background while I write this and there are no perceptual changes. It’s all same same. Meh rather than fantastic. The thirst for escape and oblivion continues unfulfilled. It’s no where near the quality of alternate mental experience I got when I first tried a small hit from the Exodus Damnation legal high. There’s still a lot left of the research chemical though.

I regret not reviewing Exodus Damnation when I first tried it but frankly I was enjoying it too much to bother writing about it. There’s no problem writing on China White which is a sign of the disappointing experience I’ve had so far. One area my test condition is lacking is someone to share the experience with. Worth some drugs the true quality of experience manifests most keenly when shared and enjoyed with friends but there’s nothing to suggest this is what is responsible for the dearth of mental experience change I’ve got from my first two lines. I’ve wrapped another Exodus Damnation smoke and am about to crack open another beer before I sample some more (…disappointing) China White.

Active ingredients

While I’m chilling I thought I’d note down the chemicals in China White. Two are listed and I assume are the active psychotropic ingredients:
– (thiophen-2-yl)propan-3-methylamine
– ethyl p-aminobenzoate

These are the research chemicals or ligands which are the essential ingredient. The concentrations aren’t noted which is a shame and would be useful to compare different blends. I’m hoping one or more of these will provide the chemical, experiential and transcendental mental shift – revolution – I need to survive and, perhaps, create happiness where there is none, only a horrible reality I’m so sick of facing I want to die. The active ingredients of prescribed psychotropics have only helped me to sleep more so I have fewer hours of conscious but I’m experimenting with legal and illegal psychotropics to make the hours if facing consciousness and reality more survivable. I’ve wanting to die for a very long time and I’ve been forced to find solutions to living a life I don’t want to live. Rather than suicide, experimenting with any and all psychotropics is a way to create a livable life from one which is unlivable, unwanted and desperately unhappy. Where psychiatrists and other drug dealing cunts have failed perhaps my own efforts with whatever is available might prosper but so far my first test of research chemicals has failed.

It’s a shame because I’d planned for it to be a good Friday night. I got a better quality computer speaker to enhance music-driven positive experiences happening. I’ve got a well-stocked series of options for food and drink which I’ll enjoy more when high. I even showered – for the first time in over a week – in case I had the crazy notion to go out to the pub or even a club. I didn’t expect to of course but prepared for spontaneity. I’ve mentally curtailed any hope of success with the knowledge….new knowledge that things aren’t good on a fundamental level and there’s no respite nor reprieve from this living hell, this waking nightmare of a multitude of potential but generally awful interpretations of the nature of reality. Things will be shit. Life is impossible.

…but I digress

It’s been about an hour since my first two lines of China White. Obviously mixing drugs isn’t good scientific practice but that’s not what I’m aiming for. I’m just writing and experiencing. My train of thought is clearly waving along between ideas, information and experience. I’ve found this characteristic of lateral or random rather than linear or sequential trains of thought increase with the use of drugs like cannabis or Exodus Damnation but some of it might be a subtle effect of the China White. Also, I’ve not typed such a lot of free form personal experience and (for me) idle thinking. This may be because of recent improvements in my mood thanks to Exodus Damnation but the energy and consistent motivation might be a byproduct of whatever subtle effect I’m getting from China White. The herbal incense had a sedating and soporific effect but it’s absent after the smoke I just had.

It’s an effect but not really what I’m looking for. Time to see where another line takes me.

Ugh. Just realised I could have used a time stamp to clarify the beginning and end of sections of stream of conscious writing. It’s something I used when I tried to write a 50,000 word book in a week. I failed miserably of course. I’ll try timestamps the next time I try this drugged writing about drugs….or now?

Third sniff

It’s 7:30pm on Friday 5th of September. It’s been about 90 minutes since I started writing and experimenting with China White. There’s clearly an effect because I’m still motivated to type this. I expect at best I will think it is just awesome then find it’s total rubbish if read sober…or at all. That is, if the drug does anything to my ego. The first day I tried Exodus Damnation I had to be careful to rein in my ego against the flurry of clear, positive thoughts that vocalised in my head. The only time I’ve felt this sort of ego experience was over thirty months ago when I started smoking skunk cannabis again after a couple of months hiatus. It is similar to the ego state and experience of consciousness which was behind my first experience of being sectioned in a psychiatric ward, a deeply traumatising event even when recollected now (over a decade later). It wasn’t transient like my last two experiences. The sustained positivity and, what I feel is key to the behaviour which was diagnosed as hypermania, was something I listened to as if it were true and without regard for my frequent deficits and reasonable limitations. When I experienced this burst of ego positive thoughts now I’m a little afraid of it because of the consequences all those years ago. Now I generally disregard those positives thoughts when they flurry but also sometimes when they’re part of my normal, semi-sane stream of consciousness. I’m highly mindful of the flurry as I was when the Exodus Damnation triggered one. It is, however, a pleasant experience so I let the thoughts play out rather than berate them, distract away or try to cease them. I just don’t hold on to the ego boost afterwards so can stay safe from big ego driven problems (of which I have no doubt I still have a mountain of which are not in my awareness and are out of my control).

Another line done

And I’m still writing. This must be boring to read. I can’t really write much good after a couple of hours. I’m sweating and I want to chew. I’m used to those side effects from good old MDMA. I clearly want to connect in someway which must be partially behind this long post. I hope it’s interesting enough that I reveal some of my inner thoughts bare and how they flow. I’ve been frequently wandering off the topic of the China White experience.

And now I’m thinking of writing to someone about my employment equality measure. I don’t know why. I’ve tried to distance myself from it and stop thinking about it entirely but I’ve failed. Ugh.

There’s a small part of me that wishes the pursuit of the vision of human equality would be enough to fill the future days I don’t want to live through. It’s not and there is flexibility in my rationale such that killing myself to raise awareness of the idea might be equally noble but also equally futile too. The vision is neither loved, cherished, valued nor genuinely worked toward. There are occasional leaps in equality and diversity but most of the time there’s nothing but rhetoric at best. The vision is beautiful but there isn’t the will. Instead there’s an insurmountable malaise, an intellectual apathy and deficit in the common man. Fuck it…I’d rather get high rather than squander my effort and passion basically pissing against the wind.

I may be bitter but that doesn’t invalidate my disillusionment. It’s not drugs which make me bitter. It’s people. The right drugs, I hope, can take me as far away as possible but China White has thus far been a mediocre experience. I’m not feeling nothing from it but I’m also not getting what I want from it. It’s helped a little with my thoughts but it isn’t a joy or in any way has the quality of enjoyment I’d recommend to people

New directions in legal highs: a common language, new measures, drugs to get addicted to (with better safety) and better purchasing experiences

I was going to scribble this idea as a separate blog piece/s but while I’ll here I might as well describe my early thoughts. It’s about the possibilities of a fully legalised psychotropics industry but in areas I’ve not really thought much about.

Measures for example. They’re the tools of the scientific method which make it work. Psychiatric science is a demonstration in how science can be applied and misapplied to psychotropics and their effects. Their measures are meant to describe (supposed) psychiatric pathological syndromes using a combination of results from multiple sub-measures. I have no idea if there’s a useful standard measure of the effect of illegal and semi-legal psychotropics – also called recreational drugs – but it would be an obvious innovation in a legalised system.

I think we’re still a long way from useful measurement and application of science to all psychotropics (including prescribed ones). One flaw is fundamental to humanity across countries and continents: there’s no standard language to communicate the vast variety of drug-induced mental experiences or changed state. I’ve described Exodus Damnation as “a bit trippy” earlier on but this is far from a nuanced communication understood by most people, for example with food. There’s still wide categorisations of taste categorisations but people understand sweet, salty or hot. The same accuracy and quality of shared understanding doesn’t happen in communicating drug-aided and -unaided/sober mental experiences. In fact it’s easy to communicate the effect of China White to experienced mental adventurers (aka druggies) in terms of similar drugs, eg it’s a lot like speed not cocaine or heroin, than detail individual facets as a restaurant reviewer might use to describe Foodie-fodder.

If China White was a meal it would be disappointing and overpriced. It has no value (yet experienced) to a suicidal soul, at least this one. What I’m looking for are a variety of different drugs and effects to get me through this shit of a life. I’d expect research chemicals to produce profound experiences infrequently experienced just like all illegal psychotropics for me except cannabis. This includes good quality ecstasy, cocaine and highly addictive crack all of which I never got seriously addicted to.

What I fell in love with a long time ago was cannabis. This is what I got addicted to. No doctor prescribed addiction has ever offered me the quality and pleasure of cannabis. I’m unafraid of becoming an addict because I see it as valid personal mental health choice. This may be controversial but is similar to the addictions doctors prescribe for mental health. The illegality means it isn’t as safe nor reliable choice but there’s greater personal freedom in self medication and a far wider set of drug induced mental states to choose from. Over the last decade there has been a significant increase in research using illegal drugs in trials for mental health treatments.

I didn’t expect China White to become the regular antidepressant addiction I’d choose because I expected it to be highly potent whereas I usually use milder drug induced reality changes/adaptions. I’ve not found it to profoundly change my mental state/conscious experience nor offer substantial pleasure either whereas Exodus Damnation experience has been good in a number of domains and would be a contender for my self medication drug of choice.

Clearly if I want to write a lot or have the energy to write a lot as well as gurn (want to chew), sweat, reduce my appetite (a definite positive given how fat I’ve gotten and how ugly I feel as a result) and have a sour taste in the back of my mouth then China White would be perfect except for its expense. I’m going to keep going though to see if there’s some threshold I need to reach.

Halfway through

Don’t worry. I doubt I’m going to keep writing at this rate. It’s now 9pm. It’s been three hours and about half a gram of China White consumed. I’ve got half a mind to call it a night and give up on it. I’d rather be dancing than writing but the research chemical hasn’t motivated me to boogie. Perhaps I’ll write to Ben Gray at Rethink about my equality idea. I was totally gutted when a senior employee at Mind basically told me to take the idea and fuck off. That hurt big amongst all the other hurts. I’ve clearly become attached to the idea which is why being spurned caused a big emotional reaction. I try to stay away from the emotional involvement with ideas which makes so many people cling to their own but I’m still passionate about a few of mine. I believe things should be measured and, if they’re important, improved upon. Sadly the nature of modern humanity is it is lacking especially in valuing human equality and the willingness to change. The measurement of employment equality is neither radical nor too ambitious nor complicated nor difficult but there simply doesn’t exist the collective will to force the country to consider equality to be a national priority and a mandate with urgency and onus.

Poverty. Disability. These are two terrible labels which confer a worse life, less lived and shorter. The social model of disability states the negative effect of disabled is created by a society which isn’t made right for the disabled – just those privileged with the better life, the so-called able of society (I say “so-called” because, from my perspective, there is nothing able or good or useful in an intelligent being who allows the tragedy of poverty and disability to foster and those abled people are cunts). For example, technology created the wheelchair and more recently the all-terrain wheelchair which can go up stairs so reduced mobility disability for many. However in a time when beating disability according to social model was important and taken as a mandate of government the proliferation of lifts and ramps was legislated for to reduce it further. These leaps happen all too infrequently and they’re often moments when principles and idealistic vision trump expense. From the Apollo programme to the Russian Revolution.

Disability will always exist but it isn’t a constant. Neither is poverty. Simply, the answers to both are rooted in equality. Particularly employment equality, both in the aspect of being a level playing field (disability employment prejudice creates a massive glass ceiling and lower employment rates and salaries but employment inequality affects a plethora of disadvantaged groups) and of fairer pay (including measuring and working towards a smaller variation in salaries between well paid and least well paid positions – this is all modelable and measurable but requires senior decision makers to legislate the change which will truly, meaningful address poverty.

Obviously the unemployed aren’t helped and remain poor. Changing this requires more funding of the welfare state. I perceive this essential solution is even more unlikely given the evidence of the Iast few years when the disabled have become victims of cuts to the national welfare spend. My personal opinion is devoid of understanding of the real world. I can’t understand why unemployment exists. There’s so much to do other than feed consumerism alone. The disabled have value which can be tapped into better as employment systems advance to accommodate them. No one who wants to work should be allowed to and be fairly rewarded. It would take a revolution to achieve but the measure-improve principle makes it incremental.

There’s obviously a lot more to this than trying to measure and improve things principle. This just helps to track the successes and failures of innovations. There are mental health reasons behind the sharp focus on employment equality as well as the comparative easy of measurement – how the heck would pure equality not mediated by employment be measured and improved?! – and other stuff. The mental health benefits can be a bit obtuse. For example, I’d use rudimentary primate psychology to demonstrate that homo sapiens is evolved to be a social being. Apes live in groups and have lots of social contact some of which is quite advanced in its humanness. Social existence is important and from the primates’ herd nature I guess it’s positive for mental health. First education systems force social contact outside the family unit then the employment option often feeds this need. The family unit in developed world nations has shrunk but good work cultures still employ older people. Work in organisations offers the mental health benefit of social contact, self esteem, identity, financial freedom whereas constant solitude by choice or as the effect of something else… I can tell you from personal experience that profound isolation and loneliness are very hard to handle.,.,it can definitely cause suicidal thoughts of course…as can getting fired from a job you love too…employment is a double edged sword with real risks especially for people with mental health problems. There’s significant progress required to conquer that awful experience of losing a job you love or need which can crush some people’s psyche not because they’re mentally I’ll but because it’s awful yet very human. These or other changes will form the evolution towards a better, more equal society. It’s in the vision but not in people’s hearts. Not this generation. Too many cunts.

Fuck. It’s a lot of writing…rambling?

I’ve tried to be more professional in my writing and publishing after I went back to it last year. I expect my stuff on this blog reads easier, communicates better and makes more sense than my usual personal scribblings. What I’ve not done for a while is just some pure, free flow, mad writing. It’s 10:30 and usually I’d be asleep but I’ve been typing like mad as anyone mad enough to read this far could fathom. Sadly for me my mind feels clearer but without the clarity drifting to perceive the awful nature of my personal reality. Loops. Just thought of it now I mentioned it.

China White is definitely speed-like and speed is one of my least favourite drugs.

Suicide is about pain and fear of future pain (and escape from this unbearable reality)

This title seems like a summary of a substantial amount about suicide. It is simple and feels like truth, certainly more truth than it’s a spurious, irrelevant manifestation of a brain impairment as is the central suicide principle and understanding in biomedical psychiatry.

If you see the pain then you’re closer to the reality of suicidal thoughts. It’s also easier to accept suicide because no one wants someone else in pain, in torture. Attacking social determinants becomes the priority and acceptance of suicide central to the principle of least harms. Suicidal suffering is simply a suffering too great and the only mental health state I’d say shouldn’t exist with a sense of certainty. Torture in all its forms is unacceptable and there must be the sense to end immitigable pain the hard way by legalisation of suicide. Decriminalisation is simply unacceptable because allowing torture to happen is unacceptable.

The subjectivity of unbearable pain is high but needs no further evidence than meeting the criteria where suicide is perceived as the solution for the individual. This is significant pain and a result of pain. The severity is the tragedy that any human being is ever driven to want to end their life or stop existing. It is a profoundly awful mental state I know better than anyone should but if you’ve not lived years of a life you don’t want to live a day longer – if you want death more than life – it might seem like feeling suicidal isn’t the worst thing a human can experience. The unique, personalised suffering which drives a conscious being to want to cease its consciousness, to escape because survival is no longer possible, to cast the most damaging assertion of the inequity of the modern day by choosing self death to leave it all behind. It is the product of a murderous and torturous process.

No one should feel it and no one should have to live through it if they choose not to.